worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
