MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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