life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
