U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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