I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
