Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
