you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
