big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
