She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
