I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
