I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
