a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
