Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
