I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
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What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
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The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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