K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
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I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
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I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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