you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
