I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
