my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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