i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
