can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
