I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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