My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
