Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
