EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
