how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
