Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
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She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
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It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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