I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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