There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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