He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
