so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
