opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
