This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
