Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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