hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
