He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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