My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
