I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
