last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
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He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
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That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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