I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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