I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
