can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
