I haven't been this sober since birth.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
