I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
