either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
