Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
