just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
