Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
