Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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