im holly from the hills drunk
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
