He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
you mean i was at the winter classic?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You dont lie about slip and slides
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
