Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
