Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
