You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
