i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
