The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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