i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
