This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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