Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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