Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
