Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Randomize
